To anyone who is in a toxic relationship
Relationships are not easy. Neither is ending them. It takes more effort to move out of a relationship than it takes into building one. Ending a relationship is like destroying your fairy-tale land with your own hands. But, here you have to open your eyes and see- See that it is not a fairy-tale land. It is a a land of Foreverdark Woods where the Unseen is watching you from behind every stone and pine [Thank you, Bathory].
I understand that your relationship may once have been all flowery and a bed of roses. Your companion may have been the best friend you never had, your partner in crime, the pillow to your tears and the reason behind your stupid grin that went from ear to ear. You love that person. You don’t want to imagine what dinners without them might be like. You don’t want to crash on the couch to watch the Cricket World Cup or the Super Bowl without them. After all, who will listen to your rants about your annoyingly stupid colleagues or be there to share your happiness when your Boss praised you in front of the whole team?
All this trumps anything that could matter, right? Nothing even comes close. Not even your self-respect. And that… That is where you are wrong. Someone once told me-
You have to live with yourself. You are the person you have to spend the most time with. So, love yourself. You should be your priority.
The very person who told me this is the reason why I am writing this. So, I know. I know how it feels when your whole world crumbles down and your partner [or Best Friend as in my case] is the reason behind it all. The very person who told me to love myself pushed me into an endless abyss of self doubt and self loathing. I was made to believe that I am a worthless good-for-nothing piece of crap who should have remorse over everything I had done. Fair enough. When confronted over what that person had done- “Life is too short for remorse” was the reply. Do you need a person in your life who blames you, sucks away every inch of love you have for yourself and shows no ‘remorse’ for their own actions? Do you need someone in your life who abuses you, takes you for granted, breaks your trust and leaves you alone to sulk/grieve and show up at their own convenience when you are not-so-down only to kick you in the stomach all over again?
Abuse comes in many forms-
And you do not deserve any of it. You have to make yourself believe that first!
- No one has a right to raise a hand on you.
- No one has a right to insult you.
- No one has a right to shame you on your choices.
- No one has a right to ridicule you on your shortcomings.
- No one has a right to belittle your efforts.
- No one has a right to make your dreams seem too far-fetched.
- No one has a right to make a mockery of you in front of a third person.
- No one has a right to sell your secrets.
- No one has a right to ‘teach you a lesson’.
- No one has a right to tell you that you don’t deserve anything better.
Read, re-read, learn, by-heart, chant… Do whatever but KNOW IT, BELIEVE IT!
It is not worth it if it makes you feel like shit for the better part of the day. It is not worth it if you spend more time crying than laughing. It is not worth it if it ruins your sleep [and it is not by banging your head on to a headboard :P]. Please, do yourself a favour and run, in the opposite direction.
Toxic relationships can have a much larger impact on your psyche, your personality and your mental/emotional well-being than you may fathom. Even if that happens, it is not your fault.
You are not at fault if someone abuses you. You may have made mistakes, everyone has. You may have lied, quite a lot of people do. You may have destroyed a person but that does not have to mean that you be destroyed in return. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
How do I tell myself that we
Are not going to see each other anymore?
A wave of panic goes through me
As I realise that
Your words can harm me no more
You cannot stab a dagger in my back
There will be no more thoughts
Menacing in my mind
Thoughts that you planted in my head
Very discreetly, stealthily
Why is it that I am scared to break free?
To unlock myself from chains I never knew existed
From the grip of guilt and self loathing
The glass you threw around
Does not hurt my feet anymore
All the lies that were said
Went in to your ears
And lived in your head
In the process of destroying the world I built
Day and night
That a phoenix births from ashes
You gifted me redemption
And even though you don’t deserve it
I thank you for that
Apologise, if you need to. Say Thank You [or not]. Open the door and slam it hard when you leave! Do, leave.
A better life is waiting for you and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.