Poems, Verses

His Essence

You touch me and I close my eyes
For I hope to sense his presence
You make me laugh and I recall his jokes
I hold your hand while crossing the road
As he used to entwine his fingers with mine
I write, reminiscing moments spent with him
And pass it on to you
As if it were you who invoked all those feelings
I don’t invade your privacy
Because he never liked his space violated
I never cheer you up when you’re down
As he used to get irritated when nudged
I’m left with scars upon my broken heart
And I try to heal them with you
But the gap is huge
And the hurt so brutal
I don’t know if I can ever be true to you
And tell you
That I’ve held his thought against my heart
Closer than I can ever hold you
That my head doesn’t quite fit right
In the hollow of your chest
That the taste of his kiss never fades
That the smell of his perfume still lingers in my room
That I describe him inadvertently
As my lover while picturing your face
That…
That I still have that rose, somewhere in my closet

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Poems, Verses

Stardust

I have been waiting for something good to come my way

Something warm, something gentle

Something not so heavy on my chest

Some ease of breath, perhaps?

Sometimes I ponder, unto myself

Is life what it seems to be?

Am I the only me?

Will I be remembered?

I ruminate deep inside

Like you are etched forever in my mind?

Sometimes you meet people

A little too late

And sometimes, time runs out

Too quickly before you get a chance to properly know them

My heart roams intoxicated, inebriated

Transfixed with the fear of being in love

Yet

I start to wonder what it would be like

Am I falling helplessly again?

You were not meant to be the 2 am thought

Or the 3 am poems

You were not supposed to be the midnight dreams

And afternoon wishes

But somehow you managed to be all those things and more

The parts of you I know, I love

Flaws and imperfections

The parts of you that you share

I cherish and hold dear

You don’t look at me

But when you do, your gaze

Your gaze finds a heart in me

That throbs when you smile

And fireworks in my mind

Exploding into a thousand colourful bits

With each touch

I’m aware

You are not someone to wilt flowers to my name

Yet, in your eyes I found galaxies

The whole universe in your soul

And stardust in your words

But the stars are the million miles too far to reach

And the galaxies too infinite to explore

So maybe I’ll learn to stay silent

And smile at the absurdity of it all

Love is a word puzzle

With all the clues given wrong

The answer, however is what you want it to be

If you’d like to stay a while

I believe there is room here for you to rest

You are always welcome

Here

If you’d like

And if not

I will wait

And I will find you again

And again

In everything I see

Uncategorized

Our Little Secret

I’ve held others before
But not quite like this
Where my mind is oblivious
To the happenings outside
Where my body inhales you
And quivers with bliss
As our lips touch
Just like our fingers
This is our secret entwined!

If not for you, I wouldn’t know
How beautiful love looks from afar
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness
Of love’s sweet, silly dance
This comes without baggage
For we were never together
We would never have to part
And that would not break my heart

I’ve known others before
None quite like you
For when you string a beat
I can feel the heat
Between us, that draws us close
You smile with ease
But I can only sigh
For if it were not for you
I’d never have known
The taste of uncharted territory

Uncategorized

An Open Letter: Break Free

To anyone who is in a toxic relationship

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear, I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear, I rise
– MAYA ANGELOU

Relationships are not easy. Neither is ending them. It takes more effort to move out of a relationship than it takes into building one. Ending a relationship is like destroying your fairy-tale land with your own hands. But, here you have to open your eyes and see- See that it is not a fairy-tale land. It is a a land of Foreverdark Woods where the Unseen is watching you from behind every stone and pine [Thank you, Bathory].

I understand that your relationship may once have been all flowery and a bed of roses. Your companion may have been the best friend you never had, your partner in crime, the pillow to your tears and the reason behind your stupid grin that went from ear to ear. You love that person. You don’t want to imagine what dinners without them might be like. You don’t want to crash on the couch to watch the Cricket World Cup or the Super Bowl without them. After all, who will listen to your rants about your annoyingly stupid colleagues or be there to share your happiness when your Boss praised you in front of the whole team?

All this trumps anything that could matter, right? Nothing even comes close. Not even your self-respect. And that… That is where you are wrong. Someone once told me-

You have to live with yourself. You are the person you have to spend the most time with. So, love yourself. You should be your priority.

The very person who told me this is the reason why I am writing this. So, I know. I know how it feels when your whole world crumbles down and your partner [or Best Friend as in my case] is the reason behind it all. The very person who told me to love myself pushed me into an endless abyss of self doubt and self loathing. I was made to believe that I am a worthless good-for-nothing piece of crap who should have remorse over everything I had done. Fair enough. When confronted over what that person had done- “Life is too short for remorse” was the reply. Do you need a person in your life who blames you, sucks away every inch of love you have for yourself and shows no ‘remorse’ for their own actions? Do you need someone in your life who abuses you, takes you for granted, breaks your trust and leaves you alone to sulk/grieve and show up at their own convenience when you are not-so-down only to kick you in the stomach all over again?

Abuse comes in many forms-

  1. Verbal
  2. Physical
  3. Sexual
  4. Mental
  5. Emotional

And you do not deserve any of it. You have to make yourself believe that first!

  • No one has a right to raise a hand on you.
  • No one has a right to insult you.
  • No one has a right to shame you on your choices.
  • No one has a right to ridicule you on your shortcomings.
  • No one has a right to belittle your efforts.
  • No one has a right to make your dreams seem too far-fetched.
  • No one has a right to make a mockery of you in front of a third person.
  • No one has a right to sell your secrets.
  • No one has a right to ‘teach you a lesson’.
  • No one has a right to tell you that you don’t deserve anything better.

Read, re-read, learn, by-heart, chant… Do whatever but KNOW IT, BELIEVE IT!

It is not worth it if it makes you feel like shit for the better part of the day. It is not worth it if you spend more time crying than laughing. It is not worth it if it ruins your sleep [and it is not by banging your head on to a headboard :P]. Please, do yourself a favour and run, in the opposite direction.

Toxic relationships can have a much larger impact on your psyche, your personality and your mental/emotional well-being than you may fathom. Even if that happens, it is not your fault.

You are not at fault if someone abuses you. You may have made mistakes, everyone has. You may have lied, quite a lot of people do. You may have destroyed a person but that does not have to mean that you be destroyed in return. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

How do I tell myself that we

Are not going to see each other anymore?

A wave of panic goes through me

As I realise that

Your words can harm me no more

You cannot stab a dagger in my back

There will be no more thoughts

Menacing in my mind

Thoughts that you planted in my head

Very discreetly, stealthily

Why is it that I am scared to break free?

To unlock myself from chains I never knew existed

From the grip of guilt and self loathing

The glass you threw around

Does not hurt my feet anymore

All the lies that were said

Went in to your ears

And lived in your head

In the process of destroying the world I built

Day and night 

You forgot

That a phoenix births from ashes

You gifted me redemption 

And even though you don’t deserve it 

I thank you for that

Apologise, if you need to. Say Thank You [or not]. Open the door and slam it hard when you leave! Do, leave.

A better life is waiting for you and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Poems, Verses

Love Unreturned

Beaten down to a secret place
Where it hides curled and wounded
Lies a feeling called love
You know it is what it is
Because it hurts so much

Blushing cheeks worth ruby’s praise
Eyes that sparkle a diamond’s blaze
Speaking in every which way
That I couldn’t get myself to
And yet, you wouldn’t stand and gaze

It aches, sure it does
Silence bewrays more than words
But it doesn’t make my heart break
For you gave my nights a dream
And my heart a verse

A brief, dreamy and kind delight
A moment that stood still in time
Would you’ve thought how foolishly
Works this heart, to believe
That even love unreturned
Has a rainbow just as beautiful

Uncategorized

#SaveTheSaviours

This goes out to everyone who has conveniently and shamelessly remained silent on the recent attacks on Junior Doctors/Interns in West Bengal.

3 days ago, an 82 year old man suffered a Heart Attack and presented to NRS Medical College & Hospital, Kolkata [State Capital of West Bengal]. He may as well have other medical conditions that come with age. The doctors on duty in the Emergency Department started the required treatment but unfortunately the patient could not make it.

Now, does this incident sound so devastating that a group of people [allegedly 200] manhandle the Emergency Staff and physically assault an Intern on duty that day?

Read the report here.

Dr. Paribhaha Mukherjee did just one thing wrong. And what is that? Be on duty in Emergency in a Government Hospital of India. You don’t expect that your work will get you killed or make you suffer from life threatening injuries because Medicine is a noble profession. Therefore, even if you get killed in the process saving someone or are attacked by angry relatives, do not complain.

I say it again, do not complain. When you signed up for this job, when you stepped into a medical college and took your oath, you were bound to be forever subservient to:-

  • The System
  • Your Seniors
  • Patients
  • Their absolutely loving and caring attendants

You said Yes! You committed to this non yielding, abusive, torturous relationship and now, you have the audacity to complain and more so- dare to demand basic human rights? Seriously? Who are you?

  • An Intern who just completed 4.5 years of MBBS and are now learning patient care? Along with working as a clerk, filling up forms, making discharge summaries, charting vitals, doing ward rounds, attending to totally ridiculous requests [Read orders] by patients such as “My kid vomited on the pillow, change the pillow cover and give us a new bedsheet as well”. Right away, ma’am. Right Away.
  • A Resident in the Labour Room who has not slept in 24 hours but needs to be locked in a closet to save her own life, because a female baby was born? I guess, that’s okay. I am bringing a new life into the world, this is a part of the job.
  • A Doctor-on-Duty in Emergency who attends to all sorts of patients who present with a stomach ache to a Myocardial Infarction and gets yelled upon, pressurised, physically assaulted by the relatives/attendants because they did not think you were giving the right treatment or the patient dies? Deal with your own shit. This is not anyone’s problem.
  • A Consultant who has spent more time in the Hospital [Read Dead House] than their own homes, could not attend their kid’s school play or Parent-Teachers’ Meeting because the OPD was hectic, provide fee waivers to old patients, give away free medicine samples to patients who cannot afford them? Umm… Hello? But what about your counterparts who give the costliest treatment and charge double the fee and loot patients?

For every Doctor that takes his/her patients for a ride, there’re a hundred others who think about how to help their patients better in their free time. And I am not even bragging.

Death is inevitable. You cannot avoid it, how badly you may want to. We, as Doctors cannot prevent every patient from dying. But that does not mean that we do not try to the best of our abilities and knowledge.

Your relatives will die, you will die. We too, will die. Or perhaps brutally murdered by you because we were on-duty and doing our jobs and maybe, going beyond it.

Uncategorized

Not a Cinderella Story

This is not a cinderella story

Neither do I want it to be

For I do not need to be saved

By a Knight in the shining armour

Whose valour has never been tested

I do not want to be rescued

From the realities of the world

Only to be teleported to a fairytale land

I need not be protected

From the storms that may

Take away everything I have

I hear no violins

When you look at me

Sparks don’t fly

I feel no butterflies in my stomach

But a roar

A voice, loud enough

Like when you scream at the rooftops

In an attempt to be heard

Because this is not where I belong

Or ever did

I try to tell my tale in different ways

Paint myself on different days

However, the words trail off

And the colours are not bright

I struggle to make my own outline

For you can’t really see the sunshine

When it is cloudy inside

Tired I am

Of the unnecessary hellos

And forced smiles

Half hearted greetings

Disrespectful salutations

That is not what I am here

To be

Why should my story be conventional?

When I don’t really read popular fiction

Perhaps it is time

Time to draw the battle plans

And bleed those broken promises out

Sing new songs

The world does not know the words of

Dance, with music

Or without, who cares?

Let my madness lead me

For the voices can’t be tamed

And I can’t be chiseled

To fit in a world with similar blocks

Kisses in the pouring rain

Shy glances when the eyes meet

Are not for me

For when I look at the stars

It is not romantic

It is the destiny

I dream to carve for myself

I do not look for pretty lanes

To get lost with you

My sunsets are purple

Craving, not for some warmth

But a violent passion

The roars can now be heard

And I am veering out of the line

To cause mayhem?

Perhaps

This is not a cinderella story

Neither do I want it to beThis is not a cinderella story

Neither do I want it to be

For I do not need to be saved

By a Knight in the shining armour

Whose valour has never been tested

I do not want to be rescued

From the realities of the world

Only to be teleported to a fairytale land

I need not be protected

From the storms that may

Take away everything I have

I hear no violins

When you look at me

Sparks don’t fly

I feel no butterflies in my stomach

But a roar

A voice, loud enough

Like when you scream at the rooftops

In an attempt to be heard

Because this is not where I belong

Or ever did

I try to tell my tale in different ways

Paint myself on different days

However, the words trail off

And the colours are not bright

I struggle to make my own outline

For you can’t really see the sunshine

When it is cloudy inside

Tired I am

Of the unnecessary hellos

And forced smiles

Half hearted greetings

Disrespectful salutations

That is not what I am here

To be

Why should my story be conventional?

When I don’t really read popular fiction

Perhaps it is time

Time to draw the battle plans

And bleed those broken promises out

Sing new songs

The world does not know the words of

Dance, with music

Or without, who cares?

Let my madness lead me

For the voices can’t be tamed

And I can’t be chiseled

To fit in a world with similar blocks

Kisses in the pouring rain

Shy glances when the eyes meet

Are not for me

For when I look at the stars

It is not romantic

It is the destiny

I dream to carve for myself

I do not look for pretty lanes

To get lost with you

My sunsets are purple

Craving, not for some warmth

But a violent passion

The roars can now be heard

And I am veering out of the line

To cause mayhem?

Perhaps

This is not a cinderella story

Neither do I want it to be

Poems, Verses

Pretty Please

Men will be men
Privileged, unabashed
Disillusioned, I say
Who think they have a right
Right to not listen to a ‘NO’
They feign not to see
Because we are just playing hard to get
Ain’t we?
And you know better
Better than us that we want it
Which makes you a victim
Of the monstrous temptresses
That we are
Cock-tease, I heard?

But what if we say ‘YES’
Would that go down your throat well?
You’ll make us walk the hall of shame
Call us sluts for exercising our choice
Sex as an emotional expression?
Ssh… Don’t say such things
Pride yourself of your purity
Which comes with an aging virginity
You have to
There’s no choice
You have to care about
What people will think
Because the hymen
Is a precious jewel
And we are doomed to be
Forever subservient
To two different chromosomes

An X and a Y
Bestowed some with much power
A cock-tease when we refuse what they want
And a slut
When we do what they want, willingly
Our choice is the issue
You do not resonate with
Because we owe you…
What exactly?
Men will be men
Privileged, unabashed
And women?
Exhausted, angry, bitter
Jaded as hell
But hey? Smile and act properly
No, don’t spread your legs
Say thank you’s and please

Oh! Please.

Uncategorized

Welcome! The Introduction

Hello and welcome to my new journey on WordPress here. I am Megha Bhargava- one of the odd 40,000 Medical Interns in India, writing from the National Capital which burns at an excruciating 44 degree Celsius [Can I have some water, please?].

*gulps down thirstily*

A lot of students [more like- their parents] dream to be a Doctor someday. Donning the white apron, a stethoscope around your neck, a fancy pen with your name engraved on it with the much coveted prefix- DR. As we grow older, TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy, House MD fill our minds with false notions about how absolutely glamorous this job is. Don’t get me wrong, it sure is. But, it is much more complicated than resolving relationship troubles with your McDreamy.

giphy

I announced to almost everyone I knew at the tender age of Four that I’d be a doctor when I grew up [Ah! Kids]. Why? Because I thought doctors had some secret unlimited supply of candies and chocolates. Whenever I used to catch a cold [which was every third week], my father would take me to this plump red faced man called Dr. Ahluwalia [who looked like Ruskin Bond, now that I think of it]. He’d prescribe a sugary syrup and open his magical drawer to give me a candy. And I, would beam with joy.

original

I did realise that the Unlimited Candy Supply was a false trap as I grew older. Much to my surprise, Dr. Ahluwalia was no Willy Wonka. And it took a lot of blood and sweat to crack the Pre-Medical Exam, clear the Annual Examination and be where I am today. An Intern [cum nurse-cum janitor-cum peon-cum clerk].

The 5.5 years of MBBS- the Indian Medical Degree is filled with stories and incidences that can bring about a smile on your face when you’re low. It also, is frustrating enough to discourage future aspirants from pursuing Medical Science. But, I love this shit.

This blog will be a reflection of my 5 years in Medicine [and the next 6 months left] along with occasional surprises of the blank verses that I write every now and then. So, lo and behold and witness this Doctor in the making. I solemnly swear that I am up to all good [else I’ll be jailed for Medical Malpractice].